My mother would live forever and possibly take care of me in my old age. She was very active and fit even into her late 70s so what could go wrong? SHE DIED. She had osteoporosis, or so we thought. She became weaker and weaker, was then diagnosed with stage four multiple myeloma and in two weeks, she died.
Dad was never the same and had had health issues for some time previous to Mother's passing. Now, nearly 7 years later, I find myself as a caregiver to my father and managing a household of part-time helpers. Hopsice is a big help as are friends. But, I wasn't prepared and although Dad had purchased Long Term Care Insurance he didn't purchase enough, just $100 maximum a day, with a $75,000 payout.
My advice, LEARN ABOUT what might happen and how you should be prepared NOW and don't wait until you are one of many aging baby boomers juggling time between their parents, work, a partner, kids, and grandkids. Don't scramble around as I have. Go NOW to your community agencies and find out if you are eligible for services. Depending upon your financial need, the help is free or at a very low charge. Help includes meals on wheels; volunteers who call to chat or ask the elder to take his/her pills; transportation to the doctor's.
If your loved one is a Vet, go to the Veterans' Administration.The VA transported my father, round trip, to a VA facility that's an hour away from Dad's home. This was free of charge. The VA can also help with aids and other at home needs. They will provide a high quality walker, a wheel chair and other aids to help the Vet get around. The VA also provides health care including new eye glasses and prescription drugs as a reduced rate.
HOSPICE CARE is for people who aren't going to survive, however, death isn't a dirty word and the HOSPICE organizations of today often work with patients for months if not for years. Hospice does NOT take away necessary medicines, that is a fallacy.Instead, they seek to administer medicines as needed to keep the patient comfortable and that includes the patient's normal prescription drugs. In Dad's case, a Hospice nurse comes once a week to take vitals, and talk with dad. She has been able to help dad in staying as well as he can be. He also talks with the Hospice chaplin and they have become friends, singing and playing guitars together. The Hospice social worker was able to arrange for a respite for me; dad agreed to go into a nursing facility for five days at it was covered by Hospice and all arrangements went through their social worker. Their volunteers have been life savers. Not only do they socialize with the Hospice patients, they will run errands. Two of Dad's volunteers take him out for dinner, to museums, and for long rides in the country side.
Other helpful ideas...
Purchase LINK TO LIFE services or something similar. The elder wears a small device around his/her neck. At the push of the button, an operator is talking through a speaker and is ready to help. As with any home alarm, you are registered with the local police. A key is left in a box or with a neighbor.
If you know the neighbors, you might ask them to keep their eyes open. If you aren't with your parent 24-7 and there isn't an aid, "visitors" who may not have Mom or Dad's best interest at heart may be appearing at the door. Dad's neighbors have be very helpful in letting me know when they thought there might be a problem with unwanted 'guests'.
LONG TERM CARE INSURANCE: DO YOU NEED IT?
IF you can afford it and you want to stay in your home,you NEED IT. It can also be used in Assisted Living. Conduct RESEARCH about long term health care, different companies and plans, to see if it's right for your loved one or FOR YOU. Dad selected Genworth which is or was connected with General Electric health systems. I am VERY VERY PLEASED WITH THERE PROGRAM but it was Dad's mistake not to have purchased a more expensive plan that would provide more than $100 a day. He purchased the insurance late in life so the premiums were over $3,500 a year. It has paid for itself many times over and has allowed him to stay in the home he loves.
Today, Dad and I agree that if we were to do it again, the plan would be for $300 a day for a minimum of five years. This would cover the highest expense we have encountered which is the cost of hiring Home Health Aids. For experienced workers, plan on spending $15-$25 an hour. Depending upon the numbers of aids you use and the hours each works, you most likely will need to pay Social Security benefits, unemployment insurance, and other state tax and insurance requirements. We hired a housekeeper to do what I can not and if you can't be as active as I am, you will need to hire someone to organize your parent's home, pay bills, and do all the paper work. Also considered in the $300 a day is transportation needs for when you are not around. A nurse who comes to the home every six weeks to cut toe nails is $40. It all adds up and fast. Unfortunately, the premium will be HIGH. Some HOME HEALTH CARE INSURANCE is better than none so I recommend it at lower levels as well.
WHAT OTHER EXPENSES MAY BE INVOLVED IN KEEPING A PARENT IN THEIR HOME?
In 1998, my parents realized that Dad wouldn't be able to make it to the second floor so they built a first floor addition which housed a bedroom and closet. It was fantastic, they loved it. To save money, they didn't add a bathroom and instead, used the small 1940s bath that was close by. In creating the addition, no one considered the need of wider doorways, and there is more. By 2008, Dad is using a walker and wheelchair and can't get into the 1940s bath unless he leaves the walker behind. He needs assistance getting in and our of the TUB and it's hard for the aid and Dad to be in the little bathroom at the same time. The toilet is low so it's hard to get up and down. The doorways to the bath and to the 'new' bedroom aren't wide so Dad crashes into them with the walker. The fix: Build a LARGE new bathroom in the bedroom addition using Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) specifications for most items. He now has a double shower with hand held and traditional shower heads and a large seat; the toilet is high and elongated and fitted with a special chair with rails. He is able to use his wheelchair or walker. Items are placed within his reach on a long counter and the doorways are three feet wide with lever handles for easy opening.
Dad and I have a few more obstacles, literally, to overcome. Helping him up and down the entrance stairs is getting more difficult. He is at great risque with me as I'm not strong enough to fully support him in the event of a fall. I want to install a ramp; he won't allow it as he wants me to wait for IF and until it is "REALLY" necessary. Dad may be 87, but he knows what he wants so I don't know if I will 'win' this one. My advice to all...don't ask first, if you can, just DO. It's too late for me, I asked and now, I won't disrespect his wishes...
Respect the elder parent's wishes as much as is possible and practical. Everyone is in a different situation but remember, treat your mom and dad the way you hope your children will treat you...with respect and dignity. Dad and I argue and sometimes SHOUT, but be get over it. It's difficult to be the child taking care of the parent so expect some conflict. But don't treat your parent like a child and dictate what they should and will do. If his or her cognition isn't impaired, talk with your parent as you normally would. Enjoy being together for as long as you can.
...Which leads me to my last bit of advice. Be sure to take care of yourself. Last fall I was so depleted of energy that I couldn't take care of myself very well. If you are that low on reserves, see a doctor, talk with a counsellor or your partner. But seek emotional and physical help.
PHOTOS: "Santa" is my DAD on Christmas Eve, 2008. We were waiting for a friend's four year old granddaughter to open her gifts. The gentleman in the straw hat is our neighbor, Mr.Ray. He is almost 90 and continues to take chain saws to huge maple trees while his 88 year old wife uses the 'come along'.
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